I swam a lot yesterday and this morning. into the pool, out of the pool. it’s a nice measure. then back into the pool.

last night I sat in the window of a café ‘in town’, in the little downtown, watching all the people coming by. so many young people, it really is a college town. I am just old enough to call the younger people ‘young people’. two pretty girls, one very especially pretty with dark brown curling hair light skin dark eyes, dark brown cat-eye glasses, lots of mascara, light orange lip gloss, black patent leather sandals, patent leather handbag with metal snap-clasp tucked into her chair, just on the other side of the window from me, playing chess. I thought, all the men I’ve ever crushed on would want this girl, so, not for that reason alone, but for myself also, I was fascinated. or i was fascinated so i invented my desire as theirs. am I covetous or desirous? I can never tell. both. her clean hands, her mouth, the way she lit and smoked a merit ultra. on her upper left arm, three thin white scars. all the girls her age & style of suffering were into ‘cutting’ when they were teenagers. she was just this style, but coming ahead of it in the coolest possible luminous & kind of sultry, salty way. not a tan blond in four-inch braided wedges like most of the other girls passing by. all her skin looked touchable—I think that was the thing about her. she was cool, but the opposite of untouchable, all reserve and invitation.